I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
Randomize
