I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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