weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
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