I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
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