meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
We talked him into tasing himself.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Randomize
