I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize