I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Randomize
