I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Randomize
