I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
So gin and wine won't be happening again
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Randomize
