Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
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