i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
