we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
Randomize
