I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
