eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
