sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
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