I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Randomize