Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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