Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Randomize
