My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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