Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Randomize
