I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
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