I think I died a long time ago.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize