a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Randomize
