There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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