I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
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