Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
Randomize
