he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I AM VODKA MAN
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
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