If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
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