You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
Randomize
