everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
Send help, water and tortillas.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize