God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
