Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
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