I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
They have beer where we have blood.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Randomize
