I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
