I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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