My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
