Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Jerry, you need to find god
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
they're like a gay fantastic four
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Randomize
