I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Randomize
