she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
It's shark week go big or go home
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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