the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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