All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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