Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Randomize
