You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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