When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Randomize
