this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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