Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
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