I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Randomize
