You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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