She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
Randomize
