can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
