R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
