I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Life is so much better after having sex.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
