After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
3pm strippers are depressing
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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