what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Randomize
