I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
