I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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