if you like me you must not know who I am
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
Randomize
