$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Randomize
