Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
