i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
