I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
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