If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
