You just made me feel so damn special
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Randomize
