well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
This is the high leading the old right now
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Randomize
