Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
