You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
